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Monday, June 26, 2006

Final police blog entry

Right, I'm abroad now. It's been beautiful and sunny, even though it's wintertime, and I've already stopped thinking about the job. Things are underway, new career and integration wise, and moving was definately the right thing to do. To fully enjoy myself and make the most of these new opportunities, I'm disassociating myself with continued active involvement with police related stuff in the UK anymore - that includes forum participation etc. I'm on the other side of the world, it doesn't affect me anymore, nor do I care about it.

I may continue this blog in a non-police capacity, for those who are interested to see how things unfold here in terms of making the change, lifestyle, opinions and comparisons on life here versus in the UK. If you want me to do this, please post a comment or e-mail me and let me know. If there's no interest, I won't bother.

On the plane on the way over I was reading 'Dilbert: The Joy Of Work' by Scott Adams. A very funny book. On pages 152-156 is a fantastic section called 'You Are Wrong Because' - a list of 'wrongs' someone commits when airing their unqualified and nonsensical thoughts and opinions on a topic. So, I've decided to write the police version, with full credit to Scott Adams and the book.

Fill in the blanks and circle the errors, then print out and give to the person concerned. Works equally well with either the public, colleagues or management:

YOU ARE WRONG BECAUSE

Sir/Ma'am,

For your convenience, I have circled the acts of stupidity that most closely resemble(s) the one(s) you recently made on the topic of: PLACE TOPIC HERE

AMAZINGLY BAD ANALOGY

Example: You can train a dog to fetch a stick. Therefore, you can train a potato to dance.

FAULTY CAUSE AND EFFECT

Example: From what I've seen, more police means less crime.

I AM THE WORLD

Example: I didn't get an immediate police response to my report of a burglary that happened yesterday. Therefore, the police don't care about people who are burgled.

IGNORING EVERYTHING SCIENCE KNOWS ABOUT THE BRAIN

Example: People commit crimes because they feel like it - there's no other motivation.

THE FEW ARE THE SAME AS THE WHOLE

Example: Some police officers prosecute people for speeding. Some police officers speed when going to jobs. Therefore, police officers are hypocrites.

GENERALISING FROM SELF

Example: I'm new to management. Therefore I believe you know nothing about the job either.

ARGUMENT BY BIZARRE DEFINITION

Example: He's not a criminal. He just does things that are against the law.

TOTAL LOGICAL DISCONNECT

Example: We should increase police performance figures because I woke up on the wrong side of bed today.

JUDGING THINGS WITHOUT COMPARISONS TO ALTERNATIVES

Example: I don't insure my car. (Generic insurance company) are too expensive.

ANYTHING YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND IS EASY TO DO

Example: If you have the right resources, how hard could it be to identify the mugger from a crowd of 3000 with no CCTV, descriptions or witnesses?

IGNORANCE OF STATISTICS

Example: Criminals ALWAYS get away with crime because there's not enough police to catch them.

IGNORING THE DOWNSIDE RISK

Example: I know making all officers single-crewed increases their personal risk, but it means there's more patrols around!

SUBSTITUTING FAMOUS QUOTES FOR COMMON SENSE

Example: Remember, 'good things come to those who wait'. So don't bother applying for promotion.

IRRELEVANT COMPARISONS

Example: Catching ten street robbers is an excellent result, compared to catching one murderer.

CIRCULAR REASONING

Example: I'm right on this because I'm the senior manager. And I must be the senior manager because I'm right on this.

INCOMPLETENESS AS PROOF OF DEFECT

Example: Your activity monitoring report didn't include how long you spent writing the report, therefore it must all be inaccurate.

IGNORING THE ADVICE OF EXPERTS WITHOUT A GOOD REASON

Example: Sure, the police advise that you shouldn't leave your Ferrari unlocked, running with keys in the engine and aboandoned in the middle of a dodgy area, but I have my own theory.

FOLLOWING THE ADVICE OF KNOWN IDIOTS

Example: The prisoner recommended I don't bother searching him. That's good enough for me!

REACHING BIZARRE CONCLUSIONS WITHOUT ANY INFORMATION

Example: I was assaulted in a club whilst drunk and on a night out. I'm sure that's because police were targetting speeders.

FAULTY PATTERN RECOGNITION

Example: This estate has houses burgled every week six weeks in a row. Next week, we're focusing everyone on a car crime operation on the other side of the division.

FAILURE TO RECOGNISE WHAT'S IMPORTANT

Example: I know you're struggling with someone wielding a knife, but could you tell me where the nearest cash machine is please?

UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT OF SUNK COSTS

Example: We've spent tens of thousands on this divisional restructure. We can't change it back now or it will all be wasted.

OVERAPPLICATION OF OCCAM'S RAZOR (WHICH SAYS THE SIMPLEST EXPLANATION IS USUALLY RIGHT)

Example: The simplest explanation for an increase in crime is more criminals.

IGNORING ALL ANECDOTAL EVIDENCE

Example: Crime always increases when we introduce new paperwork that ties up officers. But without a scientifically controlled experiment, it's not reliable data. So we continue to introduce new paperwork, since we can't tell if it has an effect on crime.

INABILITY TO UNDERSTAND THAT SOME THINGS HAVE MULTIPLE CAUSES

Example: I was mugged for the mobile phone adorning my neck one reason only: The police weren't patrolling on the street at the time.

JUDGING THE WHOLE BY ONE OF ITS CHARACTERISTICS

Example: Sometimes people arrested by the police haven't done anything wrong. Therefore, it's better if the police don't arrest anyone.

BLINDING FLASHES OF THE OBVIOUS

Example: If I stopped drunkenly inviting people to fight me, I might not get assaulted as often.

BLAMING THE TOOL

Example: I bought a burglar alarm but I still got burgled. The burglar alarm must be defective.

HALLUCINATIONS OF REALITY

Example: I can get the police to solve any problem I may have.

TAKING THINGS TO THEIR ILLOGICAL CONCLUSION

Example: If you don't get officers to document what time they take refs, next thing you know they'll never report anything they're doing!

FAILURE TO UNDERSTAND WHY RULES DON'T HAVE EXCEPTIONS

Example: It should be legal to drink and drive, as long as you don't kill anyone.

PROOF BY LACK OF EVIDENCE

Example: I've never seen you arrest anyone, therefore you must be a useless police officer.

Enjoy!

(c) Bow Street Runner. None of the material contained in this post, or this blog as a whole, may be reproduced without the express and written permission of Bow Street Runner. All rights reserved.
Comments:
Hope you carry on blogging, I for one enjoy it, good luck in your new life
 
It would be interesting to read how starting your new life goes.
 
Me three, I'll be interested to see how you're getting on.
Where have you escaped to?
Good luck.
 
I know you left the police because you were fed up with all the bollocks and crap (and I don't blame you) but where have you gone exactly? I'd also like to know what sort of job you're after now? Wherever you are and whatever you do, bow street runner, good luck!!!
 
Yeah please keep posting you're the pathfinder for all the rest of us who are about to leave!
 
It's winter, it's sunny......

Welcome to Oz.
 
Best of luck I think you emigrated to Scotland!
 
Do it chap!
 
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