Diary of a former Bow Street Runner

"Police in 'doing their job' scandal"

The City of Scallies Police Department was rocked by scandal today, when it was revealed that police officers had arrested someone who had committed a criminal offence.

Said one horrified, utterly sober and sound-minded onlooker: "It was incredible. This guy was minding his own business, just smashing a few windows, when police officers just ... just ... turned up and arrested him!"

Another aggrieved bystander concurred: "I've only had 30 pints tonight and I know exactly what I saw. These cops just harangued this male, and when he started to shout threats of violence at them and wave his arms about, more of them turned up. Then they cuffed him and placed him in a van. It was shocking. The police should not be allowed to get away with this behaviour. They were heavy-handed and over the top."

Police Officers, who are emotionless automatons, singularly funded by direct personal taxation of whoever happens to disagree with them at that particular moment in time, exist to lock up innocent people who haven't done anything wrong.

This case is similar to the shocking incident just a couple of weeks back when a male was arrested for doing nothing more than jokingly poking people in the ribs with a 12 inch machete, which led to similar accusations of heavy handedness when police turned up and put the male on the floor. The outcry at this abuse of power caused ripples amongst the residents of Scally City's Stupid Idiots Estate.

"It's disgraceful - they should be out catching murderers, burglars and muggers, that are committing crimes right now, just around the corner, not wasting their time harrassing innocent people like us" said one scally to us, who wanted to remain nameless as he sped through a red light in a stolen car.

We tracked down a murderer; a burglar and a mugger, and sought their views:

Murderer: "Well, it's been difficult to kill people lately, what with all this CCTV and stuff around everywhere, so I've had to lay low for a bit. I tell you what though, when I do go out and about killing people, I don't get bothered by the police at all - 'cos they're always off dealing with them innocent lads instead. Gives us a right breather that does. Thumbs up to you, Joe Public! Taking one for the team!"

Burglar: "'Cor blimey - it ain't half easy blagging these days, what with them coppers ignoring us to focus on them people who work for a living doing stuff like driving whilst talking on their mobiles. Copped for it the other week though, when I was on the phone to my fence after a blag. I had several grands worth of gear in the back, when I got pulled over 'cos I forgot to use the handsfree."

Mugger: "It's awfully convenient you know - I get to go round and rob people whilst the police busy themselves with those who just want to go out and have a good time. I say, good on you officers! Jolly well done! Only last week, I was looking for a potential target when I saw a group of people around an officer who had just arrested some drunken larrikin for sparring with another in the street. I went up to one fellow, just as he yelled "WHY DON'T YOU CATCH SOME REAL CRIMINALS", and bally well took his jolly wallet and mobile phone then and there. Classic!"

Chief Constable Red Tape sought to assure members of Scally City's Community:

"I assure you all, that we will not be tolerating this kind of behaviour from our officers. Clearly, incidents in which people do not feel they are doing anything wrong are not of a police nature, and officers found arresting people for committing an offence will be severely disciplined.

In fact, in the spirit of diversity, I pledge to you all now that we will not arrest ANYONE, irrespective of sex; race; colour; creed or lifestyle. Now THAT is embracing multiculturalism. After all, if we can't arrest everyone equally, we shouldn't be arresting anyone at all. The days of discriminating based on someone committing a criminal offence are now over.

That is NOT what we are about. It is a supreme waste of time, especially when there's progress reports on status updates of implementation strategies of vision statements of multi-agency initiatives to be done instead!"

Several people arrested for committing criminal offences are considering suing the force for a breach of their Human Rights. Said one anonymous detainee: "It's disgraecful. I have a human right not to be arrested for anything, ever, and this is a flagrant breach of that right. I shall have my day in court, compensation, book deal and line of merchandise!"
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