Sunday, January 22, 2006

Police Subscription service

From the previous post about 'personal police officers' I've daydreamed a police 'subscription' service, whereby paying different levels of 'premiums' (to compare it to the world of insurance) affords you different levels of police cover. I'm not seriously suggesting this ever would or should happen (and it wouldn't work either, for reasons at the end).

The Citizen Protection Package
Payments: Ordinary taxation, no extra contributions

Cover afforded
1. Public 999 number for life-threatening and emergency calls
2. Public non-emergency number for non-urgent calls and incident reporting
3. Police response according to availability of patrols and priority of incident compared to other incidents already in and requiring allocation.
4. Standard investigative procedures adminstered for victims of crime
5. Standard victim support and witness liaison services
6. Access on demand to crime prevention advice

Ideal for: The vast majority of people who have little cause or reason to involve or interact with the police on a regular basis

The “I can’t control any aspect of my life, please do it for me” package
Payments: £5000 monthly, plus cost of any extra modules

Cover afforded
1. Public 999 number for life-threatening and emergency calls
2. Public non-emergency number for non-urgent calls and incident reporting
3. Private 24/7 ‘general enquiries’ line, for advice from trained/bored (delete as appropriate) professionals on how to keep the baby quiet in the middle of the night; how to control the kids and techniques for getting back in the house when you’ve locked yourself out. Alleviates pressure on the 999 service.
4. Police response according to availability of resources
5. Guidebook on increasing response times to your job – helpful tips such as including the phrases “he’s got a knife/gun”; “they’re threatening to kill me and I think they mean it!” or “there’s 100 people fighting and they’ve got weapons!” with no penalty charge incurred when the units arrive and realise you’re a lying fraud.
6. Private 24/7 transport request service – dial this number if you need a lift to the shops down the road and can’t be bothered walking, if there is a free patrol nearby they’ll swing past and pick you up. This service is not guaranteed
7. Standard investigative procedures administered for victims of crime – target demographic are rarely victims, just clueless, and thus need no extra cover
8. Standard victim support and witness liaison services – same reason as above
9. Free crime prevention advice dispensed with general advice on how to live life

Extra modules available

1. Child rearing services, for those times when you just can’t control the little blighters! £100 a month or £2,000,000 for us to take them off your hands permanently, whilst you get back to Trisha repeats on ITV 45
2. Resolution service – in an argument with the spouse or neighbour? Our trained negotiators will come round and help sort it out without the bloodshed involved of doing it yourself. Why learn basic social communication skills when someone else can do it for you? £500a month for a neutral negotiator, £1000 if you want them to always side with you. No matter too trivial or pathetic.

Ideal for: Those who simply lack any life skills; problem solving ability or communication prowess, always finding themselves unable to cope with any situation or confrontation, and who will dial the three 9s if they spill a pint of milk.

The “Get me the copper I dealt with last time, right here, right now” package
Payments: £74999.99 a month plus cost of any extra modules (previously known as the 'Arrogant Tosser' package)

Cover afforded
1. Private police officer, who is contactable 24/7 by phone, fax, pager, e-mail, personal alarm and carrier pigeon, and will drop whatever they’re doing to attend to your every whim and desire
2. Consistency of service as the officer knows your entire life history and criminal interactions
3. Immediate investigations carried out by a dedicated staff of CID Officers especially trained in investigating minor allegations of assault way below their remit.
4. Immediate response from aforementioned private officer, who will arrive in a marked vehicle with blues and twos, risking life and limb, even if you’re just reporting a jarred pinky finger or one of your kids is making you cross - it's all about making our customers feel loved
5. The right to make a spurious allegation against someone in order to have them immediately arrested by your personal officer. Even if nothing comes of it the allegation and you know it, you'll feel better with the power and control!
6. Sympathy for your plight from all concerned, at least whilst you’re in earshot
7. Get out of jail free card – single use only
8. The right to say “I pay your wages” to certain officers
9. The right to say “I know officer xxxx” and actually mean it

Extra modules available

IMMUNITY FROM PROSECUTION – one off payment of £50 million. Confers on one the absolute unqualified right to say “I ain’t dun nuffin’” if arrested, and to expect officers to take notice of the normally glib claim

1. C&D tipoff line – Now the phrase “I’ll have your job” takes on a whole new meaning – for just £3499 a month you can get immediate access to a C&D officer, who, upon hearing your grievance, will automatically attend the scene/station you’re at and will fire the offending officer on the spot! No evidence or other side of the story required. Our new and improved service means that intoxication is no longer a bar to being taken seriously!

Ideal for: Those who believe the police to be at their beck and call, and who demand the same officer to deal with them, irrespective of their workload. The self-righteously indignant who believe the world and all services owe them a living, and woe betide if something doesn’t happen exactly according to their preferences and there’s blame to be apportioned.

NB: Unless one has the C&D cover, one automatically impliedly accepts that officers will sneer about you behind your back after they've dealt with your 35th callout that day.


The system will, of course, be deliberately structured so as those most likely to abuse the service can’t afford the level that suits them best. Ironically, it’s the same people who are most likely to use them! After all, those additional costs that the increased services people demand/expect has to come from somewhere!

So, in the end, everyone ends up using the standard service anyway, but those most likely to use the other options expect the same level of cover from the standard package. Meanwhile, those who genuinely need the service, and can afford to pay for the different levels of cover, don’t see the need as they rarely need to speak to the police. Thus when they are actually innocent victims of crime, they have to fight for attention amongst the myriad of jobs involving trivial neighbour disputes. Such is the world we live in!

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Hi, I'm currently writing a book about the British Bobby. Would you mind giving me a few minutes of your time?
That'll be extra modula number 5 then
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